Eyeliner Builds Confidence? A Solution Focused Mindset Going Back To School
My daughter walked up to me and announced, “I need eyeliner. Can we buy some?” My head turned. This was a new request from my 13 year old so I asked. “What makes you want that all of the sudden?” She answered, “My friend said she feels 50% more confident when she wears eyeliner to school.” I gave a chuckle, but Bella wasn't laughing. “Mom, I'm dealing with a lack of confidence about starting 8th grade and want to do something about it.”
Who knew eyeliner was the key to unlocking confidence in a middle school child! As humorous as that was, I recognized the strength and self-awareness she displayed in that moment. She had the ability to identify the lack of confidence she was feeling and I felt so proud of her.
This was not the first time I noticed a lack of confidence in my daughter. You see, a month earlier I noticed that Bella was growing more irritable and appeared mad at HERSELF. She began to say, “I hate my hair. I have no good clothes. I won't look good even if I try.” and worse yet, “I hate myself.” My heart hurt when I heard that negative self-talk. I told her, “That's not true! You're beautiful!” But my words were met with a roll of her eyes and comments like, “Of course you would say that. You're my mom.”
Clearly my approach was not helpful, but what could I do? I needed to see the bigger picture to help her because I know how damaging it is to get in the habit of talking mean to yourself. I decided to seek out help and decided to see what resources The Big Life Journal has on this subject. I already use their products in my school counseling practice and they are my affiliate partner so I knew this was a trusted source! Sure enough, under the parenting tap, was the master course How To Transform Your Child’s Negative Self Talk Into Self Love. I snatched it up and went through it in a matter of weeks. Each lesson helped me gain perspective so I can help my daughter. I began to look at this problem with a new lens. I adjusted my thoughts and began to ponder a new question: “Where were those comments coming from?” Only Bella could figure that out. it's not my job to correct her thoughts, but to help her understand what is causing them in the first place.
Now you may be thinking, “Cher! You teach this stuff every day! Why didn't you know this!” The truth is, I was too close to the situation to see the bigger picture without some outside guidance. I needed to be equipped with tools so I could choose the best response to my daughter's negative self-talk. I needed help so that I could move from correcting her, to accepting where she was at that moment so that I could help her move to a better mental place.
As I worked through the course, I began to realize something about my daughter's self-talk. Those words were a smoke screen for how she was feeling. I began to learn once again that behind those words was insecurities and anxiety that she needed to face. My first reaction to tell her she was wrong was useless because I was addressing the symptom, not the problem. So from that moment on I deliberately stopped myself from correcting or reframing when she fell into talking bad about herself. Instead, I made it my mission to help her get to the bottom of this.
After some thought and planning, it was decided. I would wait for a peaceful moment and engage her in conversation. By now, I suspected that entering the new school year was triggering this negativity. So one night before bed I said, “It seems like you are feeling anxious about how school will be this year.” I was careful with my tone of voice and then waited. She took a minute to think and then said. “I am thinking about it a lot.” So I asked her what she had been thinking and slowly she began to share.
I listened to her without interrupting and pretty soon she said. “I just want to fit in at school and not feel stupid.” There it was. The reason for the negative self-talk. The problem behind the symptom. So I asked, “I wonder what you can do to feel like you fit in and avoid feeling stupid?” She stopped and thought about it then said ”I don't know but I'm going to figure it out!”
Weeks went by and I never heard another negative self put-down from Bella. She still had insecurities but now she was working on solutions rather than letting herself focus on the fear. As much as I wanted to solve this problem for her, I knew she needed to think it through herself. Once in a while I gently nudged her by asking, “What do you need? How can I help?”
On the day that my daughter figured out that the cure-all was eyeliner, she also realized she was dealing with a larger emotion. The lack of confidence moving into her next grade. This was a BIG WIN! And I knew what to do. I took her shopping for eyeliner! And on that shopping trip we talked about tons of other strategies she can use to have more confidence. She was open and willing to talk to me and shared with me ideas that she felt would work. She even announced. “I already feel more confident, even without eyeliner because I know my friends will like me just for being me.”
Thank goodness finally saw deeper than the surface. It was hard to hear my daughter say such negative things! Still, I was able to step back and use solution-focused skills rather than be overly emotional.
I am so grateful for The Big Life Journal’s parenting material and specifically the course; How To Transform Your Child’s Negative Self Talk Into Self Love (click parenting tap) I highly recommend it to you if your child is struggling. https://biglifejournal.com/?aff=1186
So when your child’s behavior concerns you, and nothing you do seems to be working, I encourage you to look within yourself. Figure out what little things you need to tweak to make a difference. Reach out and find the tools you need and then be brave enough to make changes in your own approach. You will be grateful that you did.
Feel free to visit my website www.thefocusedmindset.com to stay updated on the best solution-focused practices at home and school. And you can listen to the podcast I host, Parenting With The Focused Mindset each week for ongoing support. You got this! Remember to step back and notice what your child is trying to tell you by their negative behavior. Help them to see that for themselves. Then watch as they build solutions to the real problem with or without eyeliner!
