Cry With Them, Laugh With Them, Build a Connection
Recently I saw a TikTok that cracked me up. In this short video clip, a young father sat with his tiny baby daughter. His baby was crying and crying. Her wales, angry squeals, and alligator tears seemed unstoppable. Suddenly, the father started yelling and crying in the same way she was, matching her wails and breaths precisely. That baby girl stopped crying, her eyes grew as big as saucers, and she gave her dad her full attention. He was speaking her language, and she listened up! Her tears were long gone in an instant. I wonder if that baby girl thought, "Wait a minute, my dad is here with me. He gets what I was expressing with all that crying, and I feel that! We are in this together!" Or maybe the surprise of his uncharacteristic response caught her off guard. No matter how her tiny mind processed his yells, it snapped her right out of her funk!
This fun video clip on a social app reminded me of how powerful it is to be in the moment with a child. All children want to be heard and understood at every age and stage. They notice when you make an effort to know them. It makes a difference when you are willing to be a part of their world.
In your busy family, where each person has their responsibilities and roles, I wonder how you might meet your child where they are at? You don't have to understand or agree with their views entirely. But if you would like your child to genuinely to hear you, they first need to feel heard and understood by you. All the good communications strategies you attempt will amount to nothing if you are not genuinely willing to look at things through their eyes.
In solution-focused therapy, this is known as stepping into their worldview. To do this, you must be humble. So humble in fact, that you are at peace with where your child is in each moment. It takes stepping away from sharing advice at the drop of a hat and listening with a pure heart of love. Shut your mouth and open your ears! Many times kids can see right through pre-determined solution-focused questions. They can feel if you are going through the motions to check the talked to my child box on your to-do list. Doing that alone will not produce a child who is open to telling you about their life. They won’t feel the need to grow close to you either. In fact, it can take them further away from being solution-oriented in their own life.
On the other hand, If your child feels seen and heard, they will know that they are important to you. So avoid asking the same cookie-cutter questions without creating a personal connection with your child.
Instead, cry with them, laugh with them, identify with them… and most of all, Notice Them.
Let the questions you ask respond to exactly who they are and what they are experiencing in life. A genuine connection will empower you and your child. Both of you will be able to grow forward because of it.
In the months to come, you will have opportunities to communicate with your child. Decide today to approach conversations with the same level of understanding you want people to have with you. No matter how old your child is, you can do this. Look for new ways and you will find them. In the same way that the baby on TikTok was caught off guard and stopped crying in her tracks, your child will stop and notice the new and updated you.
Creating moments of understanding will open the door for you to know your child fully. It will help you tailor-make a response that falls in line with who they are as an individual. The loving guidance you give to your child is your gift to them. The wisdom that you have gathered over the years should be shared. But first, have the wisdom and guidance over yourself to value getting their attention so they can hear you.
How might you step into your child's worldview today?
Sit with them in their space. This space may be their room or the place they hang out most. Go out of your way to be there and see what happens.
Ask them about their interests. Then look up information about it, and use that language in conversation. This surprise can open them up, sharing a bit of their world with you.
Next time they are irritated or show intense emotion, acknowledge it rather than correct it. "That is very frustrating for you" is more powerful than "Stop overreacting!"
Now it’s time to let your imagination flow. Think of ways to be a part of your child's world. Use this to build a foundation that allows you to communicate with them genuinely.
This way of approaching communication has made a big difference in my family. Yesterday I sat outside on cold night and watched my daughter practice her volleyball for hours simply because she wanted me there. As she bounced her ball, she told me about a discord chat with her friends where politics came up and arguments broke out. We discussed how this made her feel and what she did in that uncomfortable situation. I know I never would have heard about that if I had stayed inside the warm house when she asked me to put on my coat and join her.
This way of approaching communication made a difference for my husband when he went into our daughter’s room and sat quietly near her as he checked his email on his phone. My daughter continued to play her video game and looked up at him. After giving him a strange look and trying to ignore him, she asked him to listen to one of her favorite songs. Soon they were talking and cracking jokes in a way they never would have if my husband stayed on the couch after work. Instead, he went into the space that she hangs out in and this showed her that he cared.
What moment can you create by practicing the skill of seeing your child's world through their eyes? Whether your child is laughing, being silly, or crying, entering their world can make a big difference.
In episode 103 of Parenting with The Focused Mindset Podcast I spoke more about this subject and you can take a listen right here:
3 Solution Focused Ways To Build Connections
What works for you?
I'd love to know what helps you connect with a child in your life. Would you mind leaving a comment or joining the conversation on my website: www.thefocusedmindset.com/contact? You make a difference, and your efforts to be the best version of yourself matter. I look forward to hearing from you.
