Calming Your Anxiety After a Tragic School Shooting So You Can Feel Safe and Secure
When your child’s safety is on your mind
In all my years of parenting, I've never found the switch that turns off my mind from obsessively worrying about my child's safety. My mind can swirl with worry that turns into irrational fear in seconds. The logical part of me knows that my children are safe. It's my emotional side that takes over when worry turns to fear. My emotions whisper, "What if they aren't fine?" Fear wants to take control of my mind. So when I received an email from a parent asking how to deal with the anxiety she felt about the recent school shootings, my first thought was, "I'm glad I'm not alone!" I have struggled with fear myself!
Fear for my child's safety. Fear of the unknown. Fear of the things I can't control.
What I do to Loosen the Grip Of Fear
As I read the email, I began to wonder what helped me get myself and my child to school even when I have been fearful of violence? I was able to without hesitation because I have learned that I can't run or hide from fear. I can, however, stand and face it with a firm resolve. I can take back my control by choosing what my attitude will be regarding the fear, and SO CAN YOU!. It's like the old saying: "Your attitude will determine your actions." In this article, I will share how you can calm your post-trauma fear with a solution-focused mindset. I will share research bases strategies you can use today to put fear in its place so that you don't miss out on the fantastic life you and your child were meant to live.
Release Guilt To Gain Strength
Some parents struggle with feeling guilty when fear affects them. It is normal for us to feel fear. As a matter of fact, fear can be a beneficial emotion if we're running from a bear in the woods. The trouble is our mind uses tragic events like a school shooting to create a new narrative that is not based on any evidence. It is taking one tragic event, adding fear, and believing the story the mind has come up with. In order to have perspective, understand that fear can quickly turn to panic and anxiety. When we are in that place, it becomes impossible for us to find solutions to problems. So to be more solution-focused, we need to notice worry and fear but not allow it to control what we choose to do. Instead, call these fear-based thoughts what they are: made-up scenarios that exist because of post-trauma fear. Solution-Focused Psychotherapist Elliott Connie says it like this: "Fear is like pouring orange juice into the gas tank of your car; it's useless" (episode #34 Parenting With The Focused Mindset Podcast). So, let's explore some steps we can take to take care of our own mind so that we can manage our fear.
#1 Bring perspective into your thoughts
It is part of a parent’s job to protect their kids. It is also our job to help our kids feel confident exploring their world. So even after a tragic event, we can practice putting things into perspective. Consider the fact that despite the rise of deadly incidents involving guns at schools, statistically, these tragedies are rare. The odds of your child being a victim of a shooting at their school are very, very small. One perspective shift to calm anxiety is to think of the chances of a school shooting much like you think of the chances of a plane crash. It could happen. It does happen. But your chances of being involved in one are low.
#2 Talk to yourself the same way that you would talk to a friend with a positive outlook
Instead of frantically asking yourself, “What if?” try to focus on trusting the knowledge you have instead. Build up confidence by believing that, in any scenario, you will get through it. I bet you are able and willing to good advice to your friend when they’re worried. You might say something like, ‘you’re capable and you will figure this out because you’re strong.’ To ourselves, most people tend to say things like, ‘I’m a worried mess. I can’t do this.’ What it boils down to is that we all need to be confident in our ability to handle absolutely anything. Walking around thinking ‘what if’ and worried about failing will only have a negative impact on your self-esteem, and possibly pass into your kids. Remember, kids are like sponges and soak in your reactions to difficult situations. So your confidence will pass along to them.
#3 Focus on what makes you feel calm
Think about what has helped you in the past and choose to focus your energy on that. If you find peace in nature, take a walk every day. If you need time alone, look for moments you can have that. On top of that seek out new ways to feel calm into your life. Practicing mindfulness or meditation every day is a wonderful way to be calm. You can find apps like Pray.com that will help you have mindful moments. Exercise can bring you the peace of mind you need as well. Do what works for you but find what helps you feel calm and do that!
#4 Believe you are doing the best you can.
Remember that each day you do your part as a parent, and trust the school is doing their part in the follow up. Look at all the things you do to keep your child safe and believe that it makes a big difference in the life of your child. Each adult in your child’s life will play a part in helping them stay safe. In a world of unknowns, we will make the best choices for our family when we make sure our mindset is working for us rather than against us. So understand fear for what it, is and have the courage to put it aside so it doesn’t control your actions. Then do all you can to help your child fully experience school life, and this world the way they were always meant to.
What can I do to help my kids?
After a school shooting, families may feel scared and confused. They may not know what to make of the violence that has occurred. It is important to help kids heal and feel safe again. The American Association of School Counselors has released some tips on how to do this.
1. Try and keep routines as normal as possible. Kids gain security from routine, including attending school.
2. Limit exposure to media and the news.
3. Be honest with kids and share what they are developmentally able to handle.
4. Listen to kids’ fears and concerns.
5. Reassure kids that the world is a good place, but that there are people who do bad things.
6. Adults need to first deal with and assess their own responses to stress.
7. Rebuild and reaffirm attachments and relationships.
Want more tips like these? www.thefocusedmindset.com is invested in helping to find easier, healthier and smarter ways to live. Sign up for our newsletter and follow us on Instagram and listen to Parenting With The Focused Mindset Podcast.
