Solution-Focused for Life: Moving Beyond Active Listening
Have you ever felt like your voice wasn't being heard in the conversations that mattered most to you? You open up and share from your heart, yet still question if it made any difference. I was once there too - but all of this changed when I came upon a life-altering solution: The Solution Focused approach! It not only improved my work as an educator immensely but also deepened connections between me and family & friends instantly. In this blog post, let me tell you more about how implementing simple changes can have such powerful impacts on relationships.
The Problem With Giving Advice
Offering a listening ear and advice is important, yet not always enough to drive lasting positive transformation. A person needs to make better choices in order to change behavior patterns. When I first started counseling I was eager to listen and give advice. I would listen to students talk about their problems and then I would share strategies that I believed would help them thrive. I would give my advice. You might be thinking "Ok, they felt heard and went away with strategies, so what's the problem?" The problem was too often students would forget the advice I shared, and fail to make necessary changes. Students would leave counseling with the best intentions to change but when they went back to their everyday life, they lacked follow-through.
Taking action is absolutely necessary for growth. Without putting strategies into practice people are bound to fall into the same habits that got them into the problem in the first place.
Motivation Doesn’t Always Lead To Change
With great determination, I looked for the reason for this lack of follow-through. I had to know why motivated people fail to take action. After diving into the amazing world of brain research, I figured it out. The reason people lack follow-through is because of how our brain takes in and remembers information. The brain can only remember a small portion of everything we take in each day. With input coming in at lightning speed, both in-person and online, it’s hard for new ideas to stick. Unless you or I find information surprising, or it rings true to us in a personal way, what we take in fades to the back of our memory. Before long, it is forgotten about all together. I was determined to use this brain research to find a better way of communicating; one that could help people remember and apply new strategies. I set out on a journey to find new and improved ways for people to communicate. My ultimate goal? To help people remember conversations so that they can make better choices.
Solution-focused strategies work
My search for a better way led me to solution-focused brief therapy.
The power of solution-focused therapy is that it takes a special interest in the client's best hopes and preferred future. So the person with the problem is challenged to think for themself, rather than being told what to do. When this happens, the brain wakes up and pays attention. I began to use this new approach in every interaction. I adopted a new mindset. One that believed in my clients in a brand new way. My school counseling practice leveled up immediately. The more my students identified strategies they could believe in, the more they achieved.
History of Solution Focused
You may have heard of Solution Focused Brief Therapy but never fully understood what sets it apart. Solution-focused therapists help clients build hope by focusing less on their problems and more on their unique ability to shape their future. It began to grow in popularity in the early 1980s after Steve De Shazer and Kim Berg from the Brief Family Therapy Center studied how to best facilitate change in people’s lives. They discovered that focusing on a client's hopes for the future rather than the problems of the past allowed clients to meet and exceed their expectations for therapy. This change in focus allowed people to tap into their ability to solve problems quickly and move to clarity. With this history in mind, let me share what I learned about how the solution-focused approach can work for you.
Moving Beyond Active Listening
The first thing I learned is how to listen in a brand new way. It wasn't enough that I was an active listener. I had to learn to take the next step of helping others find authentic solutions to their problems that were in line with their way of looking at life. The solution-focused approach is about helping people open their eyes to their own strategies that are hidden beneath the surface. It is about helping them believe in themselves, so they are willing to try new personalized strategies. In order to accomplish this, listening must be both to understand one another and help them think about solutions by asking more questions and staying curious longer. Then, you must quiet your inner voice that wants to jump in and share and give the other person the space to come up with solutions to their problem.
Ultimately the solution-focused approach works because we are each unique individuals.
From the day we are born to the day we die, we are making choices. Consider when a baby cries. They may think, “I want to be picked up, so I’m going to cry!” Parents don’t teach that behavior and they don’t make that choice for them. The baby makes that decision for themself. And that is one example of the many choices we make in life to get what we want and avoid what we don’t want. For better or worse, we shape our lives with our choices.
Conversations make lasting impressions on our lives. While advice-giving plays a role in helping us, it can be equally important to let the other person decide what choices they want to make for themselves. When we shift from problem-centered conversations into solution-oriented ones, both parties are given space and time for self-reflection that can lead them down paths of personal growth instead of being told how or what choice should be made. This allows for meaningful dialogue between two people that will stay with each long after the conversation has ended, creating an impactful experience.
In order to shift from problem-centered conversations to solution-oriented ones I stopped sharing my expert opinion so quickly. Instead, I began looking at each person as an expert in their own life. My expertise started to become the ability to help a person have a renewed and hopeful mindset.
I'm passionate about empowering people to find the solutions they need. My mission is to equip others with strength and confidence, so they'll be ready, and eager to take action that creates meaningful change in their lives. This shift of focus didn’t take my voice away from the conversation. At times, I share, however, that is not my main objective. Instead, I want them to know that they can take action to solve a problem. After that, they are open to listening to words of advice. By taking a supportive role rather than dominating the conversation, lasting connections are formed. This is the kind of conversation that creates changes that last.
Asking new questions and listening longer
There are many questions that helped me listen longer and become more curious. If you would like to practice having solution-focused conversations, start by asking new questions. Here are some of my favorite solution-focused questions:
Can you think of a time this problem was not bothering you as much?
Tell me, what would be different if this wasn't a problem in your life?
When you are at your best, what are you doing differently?
What would you be doing differently if you had everything you hope for?
Then comes the most important part. You must be patient enough to let the person you are with find the answer to those questions. You must use a new skill. The skill of listening longer.
Using a solution-focused approach takes practice.
It seems simple; however, it takes self-discipline to stop yourself from sharing a good solution that pops into your mind while the other person is talking. It takes self-control to allow that person to keep working on the problem rather than solving it for them. I realized that being solution-focused was about listening for the moments they realize they are capable and leaning into that. It's about honoring their way of thinking and problem-solving, so they can truly believe they can make changes. This realization changed my perspective and changed how I communicate forever.
Next, I brought these skills into my personal life
One day I asked myself this question:
“If the solution-focused approach made such a difference in my professional life, what would happen if I used it in my personal life?”
Without reservation, I began using solution-focused strategies with my family, my friends, and in all of my interactions. As I did, I noticed my mindset took a turn for the better. The more I trained my mind to look for solutions in my life, my problems began to fade away.
After I noticed the impact on me, I began to notice my conversations were deeper and more impactful. One day, after a conversation with one of my closest friends she said, “I knew you were the right person to call because you always help me think through things and help me know what to do next..” It was newly developed solution-focused conversation skills that made her want to call me in her time of need. That's when I knew that everybody needs to live solution-focused.
Using solution-focused strategies in our everyday life is possible!
Solution-focused therapists take years to master their skills. But don’t worry, I’m here to help! I've developed three simple steps to help people communicate better using the solution-focused approach. Anybody can use these steps to live solution-focused. I call it the GPS Life System. The G stands for Gather your hopes, The P stands for a plan with purpose, and the S stands for Soar into your future. These steps keep me on track, and It will do the same for you. When you practice them, you move away from being the one who knows it all, and instead, you will become the one everybody wants to know. What's more important, you will find that your relationships will be stronger and more connected.
There are three ways you can learn more about the solution-focused approach and how I train people to use it in everyday life right now.
Hop over to Amazon, and pick up my interactive writing book, 30 Days To Higher Hopes.
Listen to The Focused Mindset Podcast and follow the show.
Sign up for The Hope Notes newsletter to get up-to-date solution-focused information,
By taking these steps, you will transform how you approach communication forever.
Listen to The Focused Mindset Podcast on your favorite podcasting platform.
