Nikki Hedstrom: A Thought Is A Thought. It's Not You. It’s Just Not! Featured on episode 52

Transcript of the conversation between Cher Kretz and Nikki Hedstrom on Podcast #52

Cher Kretz 00:00

This is Episode 52 of parenting 2.0. The focused mindset, today you get to listen in on a conversation that I had with Nikki Hedstrom. She is the author of A Thought Is a Thought. Now I've had several authors reach out to me, but when I heard about the book, A Thought Is a Thought, I reached out to Nikki because I could not wait to let you know about this great book. It not only teaches children how to sort out their thoughts, but how to deal with their anxiety. And we have the author in the house, she is going to tell us about her inspiration. And she's going to tell us about how she dealt with her own anxiety as a child. But first, thank you for joining us today, I know you have lots of choices of podcasts to listen to. And I'm so glad that you're here with me right now. Don't forget to subscribe or download. so you don't miss any of the content that I put out each and every week for families of all kinds to come, learn, grow together, laugh together. And it's my guarantee that you'll get solution focused content to help your family grow strong when you listen to my podcast. And also, before we get into this, I want to encourage you to jump over to my website and check out my new product. It's still on sale for the next couple of weeks. It's my mini course Conversations that Empower, you can find it at my website, www.thefocusedmindset.com. You can go directly there if you want to go to the www.focusedmindset.com/empowered. And if you go on that one, you'll get a few extra downloads for being my podcast listener. But this course, oh my goodness, I'm so glad that I started creating it a while back. Because now that I've been in the classrooms, in the last couple of weeks, I noticed the conversation gaps, the communication gaps that exists with our kids, and it's not their fault. They have been in such an unusual situation for the past year. And the normal evolution of learning how to converse with others and work in groups have been completely interrupted. So this course is designed to not only help you, but help your entire family regain some of those powerful conversation skills. So you can make an impact in every conversation and you can help your child do the same. So jump on over to my website, the focused mindset calm and pick up your copy of conversations that empower today

Cher Kretz 03:25

Hello, welcome to the podcast. Today I am welcoming an author to our show, Nikki Hedstrom is the author of a thought is a thought. And it is quickly become one of my favorite books for children. And I'm so thankful that you were able to make some time to come on my show today. Welcome.

Nikki Hedstrom 03:44
Oh, Cher that is such a lovely intro. Thank you so much. I'm glad you like the book. That's fantastic.

Cher Kretz 03:47

It is the sweetest book. And if you guys haven't seen it already, you're gonna hear a lot about it here. But we'll give you all the ways that you can get your own copy. But really, the reason why it touches me is because in school counseling and being a family coach, we see a lot of anxiety. And this book really hits the core of where that anxiety comes from. And it's inside our mind where it starts. And that's really what it talks about is children being able to sort out those thoughts. And and I love that how in the world... give us a little rundown on how you came up with this idea and why you're so passionate about it?

Nikki Hedstrom 04:29
Yeah, I'd love to share. So I grew up as an anxious child. So for me, it was one of those things where you know, you start with a lot of anxiety at a young age and it doesn't just go away. And so I really had to put a lot of time and effort into finding tools and doing counseling and all those things that really helped me shape who I am today and how I manage my anxiety. I will fully admit it's not something I think I've fully overcome. I think everybody has anxiety of varying varying degrees. But I've found some really cool ways to help cope. And I'd say even more than cope, like, I feel like I can really thrive by practicing these tools that I put in this kid's book. And for me, I had sort of taken till I was in my 30s, I want to say, to really start to grasp the idea of challenging when I start getting into like a negative thought spiral that I could just sort of put a pin in it, and look at it and question it, and then start to pick a different thought. And so, I started thinking like, Oh, my whole life would have been so different. If I had just learned at a younger age, that when I'm having a negative thought that I could just sort of put a pause on it, and choose a more positive thought to help shift me out of that headspace. And so I really wanted to come up with a story that would be memorable to kids, but also to have just families, I think a lot of us deal with anxiety. And I think a lot of us can get the spiraling thoughts. And I just wanted to come up with a way that would help us remind ourselves to get out of our own heads, to take a moment to be present, and to like help reduce those racing thoughts. And so I wrote a thought as a thought.

Nikki Hedstrom 06:05
I'm thinking back in my own parenting journey, I have my oldest daughter struggled a lot with anxiety. And I would have loved to have a book like this when she was little, why didn't you write this earlier? No, I'm kidding. But, but no, I resonate with what you're talking about, because I watched her work through that. And recently, I had a conversation with her, she's in her very early 20s. And she shared with me some of the social anxiety, that she still the mental thought processes that she still needs to go through. Sometimes to do something as simple as walk in and talk to somebody at a checking sandwich. For someone who doesn't struggle with social anxiety, that would be a piece of cake, they don't even think twice. And I find it so interesting, because it's it's something that if you're a parent, like I was that didn't struggle with anxiety, and you're raising a kid that has anxiety. Even if you're a counselor like me, it can be kind of hard to connect the dots. So how do you envision this book continuing to help connect the dots for parents?

Nikki Hedstrom 07:14
Yeah great question. So I mean, I think I'll start with the refrain that I came up with, because that was really the seed for the whole book, which is a thought, it's a thought, it's not me, it's just not. And so the goal was that when you are starting to have that negative thought that you can actually pull on that sort of earworm a thought as a thought, it's not just not and remember that, you are that you are whole and complete as the person who's having all these thoughts. And when you can separate the idea that you are, you are not your thoughts. And you can choose a thought, it really helps alleviate that feeling like it's overwhelming and overcoming you. And so even in the way that I illustrated the book, I wanted the thoughts to be sort of there, these balls, that kind of look like gobstoppers, I wanted them to have layers, because I feel like a particularly as people who have anxiety, one thought contribute to another thought that keeps going in this sort of negative spiral. And so I want them to have these layers, because I think so often, that's how people died. And I mean, I think a lot of people have this, but I wanted to be able to illustrate that, but it is external to you. And there is this opportunity to almost get curious. And I like the idea of almost holding that thought in your hand and, and looking at it, and kind of getting, having it be external to who you are. And being curious about it. So you can ask yourself those questions. So I do have some probing questions within the book. And we can talk about that in a little bit. But I think it's important to question those thoughts. And I always...I think it was when I was in my early 30s that I went to my counselor, really, Counselor, she really pushed me to, you know, could you choose another thought, and I just started using that all the time. And I think it's so empowering, because I love the example of like, you know, you're driving in traffic and somebody cuts you off, and you can immediately think that they're a jerk. Or you can think that they're racing home to their wife who's in labor. And all of a sudden, like, you've got a whole lot more patients a whole lot more empathy, a lot more grace for them. And it doesn't mean we're never gonna know I don't know why he cut me off but I feel a whole lot better when I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt. And so I think even if in the in the immediate moment you can take a moment to choose a more positive that you'll feel better. Yeah, and that's really just the whole point of the whole thing and I mean, I think we've all gone through this before and maybe you can think of a circumstance that where you need to text a friend and she wouldn't get back to you for a few days and if you're an anxious person that might start making you think like what did I say to her last and oh my goodness, Did I offend her? And maybe or maybe it was that that joke I made and and you can just go out of control

Cher Kretz 09:44

Yeah, why the circle analogy is perfect. It works it's so true because that you and you does it looks like a little God stopper. You're right. But I love the way that you put that in a actual picture form because you're absolutely right. The circling of Have the thoughts that just surreal the fact that you didn't make it a swirl. Which I like that you didn't make it a swirl because that would make maybe you feel anxious. But you did it like a complete circle that you can, it's almost like it can be calming. But it also gives the children a sense of knowing that your thought is something that we can talk about. And we can look at and dissect and figure out rather than owning, right?

Nikki Hedstrom 10:27
Yeah. And it's I mean, it's really rooted in cognitive behavioral therapy, and that idea that we can choose another thought. And so I go back to the example of the friend that didn't text you. And when you finally do get in touch with her, and she tells you that her mom's been in the hospital, you're like, this was never about me and you put yourself through all the suffering that was really unnecessary. And you could have put another thought in your mind, maybe she's really busy with work. That wasn't the right answer, either. But it wasn't because you offended her. So I think just teaching your kids to be able to take a moment, choose a more positive thought and then just be present. And when when the time comes, you'll find out what was going on with her. And in this case, you know, she's in the hospital, yeah, then you can deal with that situation when it comes up. And so a lot of that framework comes from Ekart totally, and his work about being present and being grounded. And in the present. And I, I love how he outlines the idea of worry. And that, like we all have worries, everybody can worry about paying their mortgage, they can worry about all sorts of different things. But if you actually ask yourself in this exact moment in time, do you have a worry. And so often we don't, we're worrying about something's gonna happen next week, we're worried about something's gonna happen in two years from now. And so just trying to practice being present. And I think often when we're present withour loved ones that they get, if they can feel that love. And so it's just such a great habit to have, because one, it takes you out of these like, ideas that you're racing in your mind about what might happen next week, when you're grounded in reality, right now. It's so powerful. And so I wanted to bring the idea of, you know, I have one of the lines I can be president well, and so it's that idea of I can learn to be still like be president. Well, that really reminding your kids that they can just take a moment, take a breath, get him get into the environment, they're in, you know, whether it's like, maybe look at the trees or look at the blue sky, get out of those racing thoughts. Because once I'm somebody who has anxiety once you start, oh, boy, it's just like a runaway train. So I wanted to come up with a way to help ground them in the moment so they could calm themselves.

Cher Kretz 12:35

Yeah, you're trying to catch them. It's it's a, it's a very proactive approach, because you're trying to catch them before they get to that point and teach them a strategy. So therefore, they're they start, they begin to use that and all the sudden, they avoid some of the things that that may have haunted them clear through their adult life.

Nikki Hedstrom 12:56
That's the hope. The hope is that if you learn this early on, and you can be present, and you can give, like I said, give people the benefit of the doubt, you'll get the answer at some point you'll find out. And it's important to obviously set boundaries. And I'm a firm believer in that. But I do I think it's important to not let yourself make assumptions. And I think, as a worrier, worriers need to sort of dig into it and try to predict what it was and what's happening. And you're just so often not right. And it's just a lot of energy be used in a direction that's not helpful. So I just wanted to come up with a strategy that would help kids learn. And parents, like I said, just thought of it that it's not me, it's just not and then you can just sort of think about something that might be more positive for you.

Cher Kretz 13:36
I like that, a lot of energy used towards something that's not helpful.

Nikki Hedstrom 13:40 Right? Oh, man!

Cher Kretz 13:43
There's a lot of power in that statement right there.

Nikki Hedstrom 13:45
I'm hoping I can shortcut this for some kids. So they can they can jump to the finish line a lot faster than I did.

Cher 13:52

Yeah. And I liked the way the words were, are really big, because kids can read them themselves, you know, and they can start, it's almost like, you get the feeling something like a Dr. Seuss type feeling where they're gonna want to say it again and again. And I think that's really important. I find that for me, and I don't know, I think that some of the parents listening might have picked up a book on mindfulness, or picked up something, because maybe they heard along the way that, wow, maybe I can help my child with being more present. And then it's so wordy, and there's so much to it, that you can't you can't connect with the child with that, you know, they're like, bored about it before because they're at their age. This book can be used with preschoolers. I mean, it can be used with the youngest child. And I like what you said too, about holding the thought. You know that's a really visual picture.

Nikki Hedstrom 14:48
Yeah, so thematically, and you can sort of see when you read the book that when our little character is feeling overwhelmed, there are like thoughts, cascading Everywhere, they're all over and overwhelming our character. And so when the character takes a moment to be calm and to be still, they gain control of their mind and their rights. And so that's where you see the confidence. You're holding one thought and slowed those. I mean, I think as somebody who practices meditation, we all know that, like, we can't stop the thoughts completely, but we can slow them down a little bit. And we can just, you know, let them float around a little bit slower than they do when we're worked up. And so I really, I believe in trying to visualize that idea of letting your thoughts slow down, and how do you let them become just a couple of rounds you versus letting it sort of, like you said, I love that tidal wave example. But yeah, I have at one point, he's running, running down a hill, like, like they're running away from an avalanche. So of thoughts, which can happen when you're really overwhelmed, you can just keep piling up. And so I just really wanted to help identify that if we can take a moment to breathe, take some deep breaths, get present, get in touch with our body, how our bodies are feeling that that can really help relax our nervous system and bring us into a calmer state. And that alone will just slow down that thought activity, which is so important, and such a way to make you feel better when you're feeling overwhelmed.

Cher Kretz 16:15

Yeah, and mindfulness, I practice mindfulness quite a bit. And I teach mindfulness with the kids that I work with. And families, when we really think about mindfulness, it is being still in the present moment. And part of it is noticing, you know, just noticing that thought as it is. And we don't even need to go through an entire process of a mindful sit. In order for a child doesn't a child can get that it pretty quick if you teach him. And so me myself, I remember that, I would have another subject, I'd love to talk to you about as positive affirmations. And I would have my kids, I would offer them to come in at recess. And I would put on soft music, and we would do positive affirmations at lunch. Well, this is their recess time, they could be running, playing, doing anything. And the more I did it, no joke, I would have a line outside my door waiting, because I could only fit a few in at a time. And I would cycle them in, you know, they would rather do that than their art, they just wanted to lay there and do the affirmations, and it would put them in such a great headspace. And I really began to see the power of that. And I think they go hand in hand, you know, the the mindfulness of being aware. And then the other side of having some affirmations. You have a picture in the book where he's kind of holding it? What do you believe about that? How do you what do you think about affirmations and stuff? I noticed you had them in a book.

Nikki Hedstrom 17:41
Yeah, I do have it in the book. So for me, it was important to recognize that when we start creating these patterns for our minds, where we take the time to say a positive affirmation every day, we start to rewire the brain for positivity. And particularly when you're an anxious person, like I said, there's a negativity bias is working on like high, high speed if you have anxiety, so I wanted to help them, sort of, if we could dial it towards the lens of positivity. And so I really thought it was important that we put some practical tools in place to help ground the book. And the concept was some activities that families can do together. And so I do have positive affirmations I have, I am kind, I am smart, I am brave, I am strong, and I am loved. And I really do recommend that you practice those daily, it's such a good way for you to build that self self esteem and self resilience. And I think what's important about doing these positive affirmations is that, that confidence is being built internally, which I love. Because then when you hear something from maybe a bully at school, you can sort of when you hear it, it's probably it's gonna hurt you. But if you really truly believe that I am smart, and somebody says, You're stupid, you're gonna say, No, I'm not. So I really wanted to help them build that confidence to be able to question when somebody else outside feedback comes in, to let them know intrinsically their value to build that confidence. So that ideally, they're not taking in that negative feedback, that they're aware that they are perfect, and Hall as they are. And so those positive affirmations really helped build that confidence from their own self versus having it be an external voice.

Cher Kretz 19:20

Yeah, I absolutely agree. And I love the way that you infused it into the book, because if it would have ended just on the thoughts, then it could have made us feel like Well, what do we do next? And you didn't leave us with a what what do you do next? You left us with some actual steps that we can do. And and I think that's the part that some of the kids I've read it to like the most, because they're getting the concept, but then they are like, Oh yeah, I get to say the affirmations you know, and they get kind of into it. So it's really cute. And, and so I'm glad that you kind of had that realization that that would be really important for the kids. And and This is not something that I, I was gonna bring up with you. And then I just thought about it myself is that I also appreciate that your character is a character is not a male, it's not a female. It's not. It's just a character so, and it doesn't have a particular even a race attached to it or anything. And so they can really begin to understand the concept outside of wondering if they identify with this character or not. So kids, and adults, anybody can identify with it. Was that done on purpose?

Nikki Hedstrom 20:28
Oh, I love that you picked that up. 100%. That was on purpose. It took me a very long time to discover our little character. Because Yeah, I was really, there's a lot of things that we took into consideration. But I didn't want it to feel so circumstantial to a situation like I didn't want to in a classroom setting. Because I really truly believe this idea and is relevant at any age to any person. And I didn't want it to feel like you said, I didn't want people started putting walls up because they didn't think it felt like them. And so the challenge with that is that I got a lot of characters that look like monsters and a lot of characters that looked like aliens. And we just had to keep working through it and trying different options. And what's interesting about our character is that my illustrator actually did a bunch of ink blots, and then just put ink blots on paper, and then sketched around them to make some forms out of it. And so this was one of the ink blots. And it's actually on my website, you can see the progression of the character that it was important to me that it didn't feel like something we knew, but that it also felt friendly, and emotive. Right. I mean, you can see the character at the very end of the book, I have a page about emotions, which again, was important to me, because when I was growing up, I say this, there probably were more but I felt like I only knew, like happy, sad or angry. And so it's the fact that we have a spectrum of emotions that we can talk about, and that what I love about emotions is that we can go through a lot in a day, right? It's not one emotion, you're not one thing all the time, you're a bunch of different things, and different thoughts will trigger different emotions. And if you can change those thoughts, as I said, you can hopefully switch to a more positive emotion and a positive state. And so I wanted to have a variety of emotions, but our character doesn't have a lot of features. So I think it's pretty fun.

Cher Kretz 22:14
It's simple, but it's powerful. I like it.

Nikki Hedstrom 22:16
But thank you. I'm glad you picked up on that.

Cher Kretz 22:18
Yeah. And, and having those emotions at the end. It's true. It's kind of like you said, I mean, this is human human behavior, but we're talking about catching it young. So kids can begin to realize, oh, how am I feeling right now? Just even questioning that and realizing it can cause them peace.

Nikki Hedstrom 22:41
We don't naturally necessarily know to say like, Okay, how am I feeling?I wanted them, And that's part of the question. So I'll go to the questions.

Cher Kretz 22:50 Oh, my goodness. Yes.

Nikki Hedstrom 22:52
So in the book, we have a thought exercise. And the first question ; What is the thought that you are having? So just identifying what that thought is, and then we move into; How does the thought make you feel? And so as a point of reference, we have all those different sort of emotions on the side that we can sort of work through when you think about, what's the feeling that match that emotion? And then; Do you know if that thought is true? Now, this is a big one, because we just need to learn that you shouldn't just accept every thought as face value as being truth. And so just introducing the concept that we should wonder is that that true? Inches in that little bit of room for us to propose a different idea, or a different solution of what that what the situation might be bringing for them. And then the last one is; If you could choose another thought, would that make you feel better, what would it be? So that's where we want to make that shift from that negative thought into a more positive spot. And it doesn't have to be necessarily a huge leap. It could be. I use the example of when a kid waves at their friend across the playground, and their friend doesn't wave back. So their first jump start might be my friend doesn't like me. Well, what if we could just inch them towards like, maybe they didn't see me? That's a whole different emotional state that you're gonna feel in your body? versus they don't like me, right? They didn't see me has a different charge to it. And so what I wanted to do is help them recognize that like, Okay, is there any other plausible, potential idea that might be it and and parents might need to help in the beginning to really help get them curious and to have them challenge them to think of something else. Sometimes it's hard to think of another. Especially if you're worked up. If they're in a word worked up tizzy, good luck trying to shift them into something positive, like they didn't have their glasses on. You know, there are a million reasons somebody might honestly not have seen them for the most simple reason. And so the goal is to get them to be curious. And then if you're being present the right solution is to go over there and talk to them and then you'll actually find out what that was like. But that's all about being curious, being in the moment. All of these things really shift how we're going to live a positive life.

Cher Kretz 25:00

Yeah, and I think parents should have a little grace on themselves. Because it is true that if they're raising an anxious child, there's gonna be times where they're in a place. And even the more the hard that the more that the parent tries, the worst that it seems to get in that moment. And I think that parents then begin to feel like a failure and that they need to push harder to be able to get their child to "snap out of it". And then they're hard on themselves. So you know, parents need to give themselves grace to say, Hey, this is a process. This is something that, you know, now that you're more aware, through books like this and through actions. It's a process of teaching. Do you have anything that you can think would help a parent that's in that circumstance? I mean, not only reading this book, but what's helpful? I mean, what would have been helpful to you when you were young?

Nikki Hedstrom 25:54
Yeah, I know that the default and I understand why, I mean, I was an anxious kid, and I'm sure my mother was often like,oh, Nikki, stop it. But really acknowledging their feelings is really important. And, and meeting them where they are, is super important. And so even just being able to say, like, I understand, I understand that you're nervous about this, like that, that versus Don't be nervous about that. There's nothing to be nervous about, like, got you, I think it's important to acknowledge where they are at, again, if you can help them know that it will be temporary. I know Seaton Sow had posted there on Instagram, and I love their work. But they posted about, like, Great parenting modeling when it comes to emotion. And so one of the things they talk about is even modeling for yourself, what that what that anxiety might look like. So an example would be, mom has a presentation tomorrow, and I'm feeling a little nervous. But I'm going to do some deep breathing. And after the presentation tomorrow was done, I'm not going to feel nervous anymore. And so what that does is, one lets the kid know that the emotion that you're feeling isn't about them, which I think, again, is helpful, especially if you're an anxious child, you might be taking this personally. So identifying where that's coming from, and then providing a coping tool. So whether it's breath work, or I'm going to take a walk, or I'm going to do some exercise, I'm going to meditate, like, you can come up with a lot of different tools that you could use to help bring your anxiety down, and then showing them that, again, it's temporary. So it's not going to last forever, my state's gonna change. So those things are all really helpful for kids to understand that this. That they will get through it. And I think by understanding that, and modeling that you are, as a parent have a range of emotions in a healthy way. And again, making sure that they don't feel like it's about them, because it's not about them. And so making them understand that it's super valuable.

Cher Kretz 27:48

I really like that. So, I mean, first of all, just being able to get in there on their own playing field and letting them know that I understand this is how you're feeling right now, rather than stop feeling that way. And then I love that other idea of decide to tell them with the coping mechanisms that you're using. I think that lots of parents use the coping mechanisms, but they forget that maybe, hey, maybe I should let my child in on these things that I have for the years. Yeah, because they automatically do it. You know. And I think that that happens frequently because parents are training so much, but maybe it's time for us to stop and say, Hey, part of the training that we do, also goes into this level of how are we going to help our child deal with their feelings, their emotions, their anxiety? And then we ask ourselves, well, how do I deal with my emotions and my anxiety? And that's kind of like a push that kind of like blows the mind like, Well, wait a minute, I do have some strategies, maybe Ican share with my child.

Nikki Hedstrom 28:51
Yeah, I mean, there's lots of things for anxious kids like artwork, drawing, and coloring is a nice relaxing thing to do. Obviously, physical activity is a great way to get out of your mind and like getting them moving their body can help boost endorphins. So there's lots of things you can do that will help an anxious child I think, as I said, what's not helpful is telling them that they're, they're wrong.

Cher Kretz 29:15 Or just stop it.

Nikki Hedstrom 29:16
Yeah, that just that just stop it isn't particularly a message that helps. So it's Yeah, I would say just relating to them at where they're at, because that emotion is very real to them. And ideally, that's another reason why I wanted them to be able to come up with the idea of what the next thought is on their own because I'll use like my mother, I was growing up and we had a guy come by to put fire like alarms in our house and he didn't show a video about the fire and the safety like things and I wouldn't sleep without my window open for like a year and we live where it gets very cold and my mother was like, but we'll just like I promise you, you'll get out. And like, I was like, I am not burning down in this house. I know what I'm doing and I need this venue to be open. So, you know, it really needed to come from me to learn that Iwas going to be comfortable to close the window. And I just, she got bless her because she had her hands full with a very anxious child.

Cher Kretz 30:22

It seems it seems funny because we can laugh at it. But that seems as real as something that could happen the next day with a kid that's anxious. Yeah, it seems unrealistic, like something that could never happen to them is like, Oh, no, it could happen the next minute.

Nikki Hedstrom 30:36
Oh, yeah. Yeah. And it's funny, because there's all these the schools that put out safety plans, and are all meant to make us feel better. But as an anxious child, oh, man, just gets those thoughts going. So I really wanted to help try to identify how to stop that spiral, as I talked about this, like one thought, or maybe it's more like a ripple where you drop one thought, and then that becomes another one and another one, another one. So yeah, just really wanted to help provide some tools as to how to shift out of that headspace.

Cher Kretz 31:06

Well, I think you've been successful at it. I mean, I'm really glad that you were proactive and said, You know what, I'm putting something out there. Because that's what we need. We need people to just say, you know what, let's put something out there. Because this is going to help an anxious child. And I know that my oldest, so I have three kids. My oldest, like I said, is raised and many times I'll tell her Oh, gosh, Honey, I'm sorry. If I knew better, I would have done much better, made some mistakes there with the first one. And let's still we made it through. Now. My third one also deals with anxiety in a different type of way. And your story cracked me up because she watched some YouTube videos on tsunamis. Oh, no. And we live a long, long ways away. There's no possible human way that we're going to have a tsunami where we live. It's physically impossible. But we went through a good year, where she was legitimately terrified of tsunamis everywhere we went. She was just, well, this could happen. Are you sure now I'm thinking and then she go. What in the world? And we and we found it was because one day she was on my husband's iPad. And he was like, why are all these tsunami videos and gotten a YouTube loop? And she was watching the worst of the tsunamis. And her mind could not I could not convince her otherwise, I couldn't. It was tough. And now that she's 12, we can laugh a little bit about it. But she legit will still tell me but I'm still kind of scared of them.

Nikki Hedstrom 32:33
Well, I understand where she's coming from. And my heart goes out to her because I know what it's like to get in your head.

Cher 32:40

It's it's cute, but it's real. I mean, we have to remember that. Yeah. Yeah, so this book really helps her out a lot, too. We work a lot with those concepts. And that's exactly why this book right rang true to me when I saw it. And I wonder, I mean, I think this is a good time as any tell us where we can get it.

Nikki 33:01

Yeah, it's available at Barnes and Noble, it's available on Amazon. So you can find it there, I do have a website www.athoughtisathought.com where I also have a bunch of free worksheets. So I have my positive affirmations. So you can print those off and put them up and just read them or they can actually write them out. I think that's another fun way to do it. And the thing about affirmations is you can also have them create whatever is meaningful to them. So it could be I am sporty, you know, mine, I pick some more broad ones. But obviously, your kid can pick ones that have meaning to them, but just building that confidence. And then I do have the breath work. So in the book, I talk about a breathing exercise that you can teach little ones because obviously you need to, to learn before you can crawl before you can walk. So it's a very pared back version of breath work that you can do. But again, I love all these tools like positive affirmations, and breathing exercises, because you can do them anywhere, right? They don't cost anything. If your kid can learn these tactics, they can use them when they're at school. And it's not something that necessarily is going to be drawing attention to themselves, they can do it the affirmations in their head. Or they can do a couple of deep breaths like that stuff can really help them calm down, especially with kids who have like test anxiety and that sort of thing. That's really, that's can be hard on kids. I wanted to provide some tools. And another one that I really love that's on the free worksheets is gratitude journaling. So however you want to bring it into your household. I mean, it's something you could do over dinner that you could talk about, you know, what's what are some things you're grateful for, or it could be something you do it story-time and then again, I have a worksheet that they could fill out depending on their age, they could do it on their own, but I think it's just having a headspace of gratitude also really helps wire the brain for positivity. So particularly if you're somebody who might like I said, have that lens of negativity as a starting point, the more practice you can put them in, to have framework to look for the good. So looking for what they're grateful for helps them pick out the things that were good within the day. And then again, like I said, wrapping it up with some positive affirmation. Another really great way to make them feel good.

Cher Kretz 35:03
I remember in the book, you just reminded me that you also have a counting. How did you come up with that? Tell us a little bit about that one.

Nikki Hedstrom 35:13
I thought, um, it's almost like, how do you, I wanted something that they could work up to. That's small and bite size, but their use of counting their things that they're used to do. So like, it's almost just taking a moment to do that counting piece, counting the brass, it gets you grounded again. So it doesn't have to take a lot of time to shift your that headspace. Sometimes, you know, sometimes it can be as quickly as counting to 10. I know, you know, when you think about like people having a timeout, sometimes they just need to go take 10 seconds, or take some time away. But I just wanted to remind them that like they're not far away from being in a better state, it could be as simple as a few breaths, it could be just getting present. So I talked about counting the dots, and you can actually there's 10 dots on the bottom of the page, even if you were worked up and you just took the time to count them, that small timeframe can actually shift you out of that spiral, you were just and because you've now become present, you're now looking at the book, you're now working through counting 10. And that shifts you out of that sort of chaotic mind state that you were in before. And so I just wanted a few different options for parents to pull from, depending on their child, they can do them all they can do one, but I I just as you said, I felt like the book has does have that rhyming scheme. But I'm like, I wanted to ground it in some activities that help make it more practical.

Cher Kretz 36:34
And I wonder if that hand body connection with the touching each one allows them to also calm their mind. 

Nikki 36:40

I love that. Because for anybody who suffers from panic attacks, or if they have kids who suffer from panic attacks, one of the best things you can do is actually ground yourself in your environment. And so what I recommend is that you, not just me, many people recommend this, but that you ground yourself in your environment. So what do you if we start thinking, what do I see? What do I What do I feel? What do I hear? And so by just taking that moment to get out of like I said that future thinking or past thinking, that's another place I addressed that in the book, you know, from future to pass, they're moving so fast, because we do we so often bounce from things that we said and wondering, you know, maybe it was maybe they're worried about what happened with their friends at school that day, and they're really ruminating about that. Or maybe they're worried about the task is going to happen tomorrow. So trying to get them to be present is is really the ultimate goal.

Cher Kretz 37:32

I mean, I just feel like that's something that is woven into the book that you did on purpose, but it's not right out there in the open of understanding that they need to be grounded. And and also oh my gosh, really the most important one. And what you're really trying to say through the whole thing is that you don't have to believe every thought that pops in your head. That's, that's really, that's huge. I mean, if that all of this working around that. Wouldn't you say that? Like that's the aha moment.

Nikki Hedstrom 38:01
That's it. That's it just don't Don't believe everything you think? Yeah, that's a game changer. And so I think a lot of people might never learn that lesson. And then they spent a lot of time thinking things that just aren't true. And so I just really want to encourage people to think or rethink the thoughts that they have, because you just shouldn't take everything at face value, particularly if it doesn't serve you, right?

Cher 38:27

Well, by going through that question, what was that third question? Is it true, basically, right, is that thought true, was the third one, you know what, I think what we should do is go through this questions again, because I love them, I think we went way too fast. There's so many different things that you I, you know, that I told you, and my listeners know that I love to do a solution focused exercise. And the thing is, is that we have like 1000 exercises you've just given us. So you might just need to listen to this whole podcast again, and pull out what's gonna work for you and your family. But I find that those questions if we just asked ourselves this week, those that set of questions that could make such an impact. So we let's go through those again. What were those questions?

Nikki Hedstrom 39:14
All right, first question. What is the thought that you were having?

Cher Kretz 39:19
So, I mean, right there, you're gonna have to pause because kids aren't used to getting asked those kinds of things.

Nikki Hedstrom 39:25
Yeah, they're just not used to thinking about their thoughts.

Cher 39:28

I can imagine them going. I don't know. But they do know. So giving them that time to think what is the thought that you're, you're thinking in this moment? And then what's the next one?

Nikki Hedstrom 39:41
How does the thought make you feel?

Cher Kretz 39:44

And then they have to ponder that in their body. Yeah. How it makes them feel cuz I'm going through it myself. Like, you know, yeah, you're right then that it makes your body feel a different type of way. Like Wait, how does that make me feel? Right. And then the power question,

Nikki Hedstrom 39:56
The power question. Do you know if that thought is true?

Cher Kretz 39:59

All right, I wonder I'm going to start asking this week I'm going to do this too. I'm going to ask the kids I work with just that simple question and see, and I am going to have to get back to you and let you know the different answers that I get.

Nikki 40:12

I think the more that they might take in, you're gonna get them initially to like a lot, especially if they're mad. Mad is a hard emotion to get them to get past.

Cher 40:20

You know, that's what I was just thinking. I was thinking I might get some. that say that's true. Well, of course, it's true.

Nikki 40:30
Yeah. So that one, that one, in particular, I think, is this is why that page in particular, it's great to be doing with either a guidance counselor or a parent or guardian of some sort. Because it's a practice. And even as an adult, they can really question yourself that like, do you really know that that to be true?

Cher Kretz 40:48

I can imagine that you could just say, is it though? Is it true? Is it really true and you know, just kind of allow their mind to really work through it? And all you have to do, like you said, it's just a small little shift where they're willing to go, Well, maybe it's not all the way true? Well, bang, you have it, you know, right there.

Nikki Hedstrom 41:06
You know that that shift can happen. And so I love that. So I do think that's a sticky one. And it might be one that you got to really hang out on for a little while to get them to think about it. But once you can get them to put that little bit of like, Okay, well, I don't, I don't totally, totally, totally know that it's true. possible that there could be that's where you inchoate, that opportunity. So the next question, If you could choose another thought, one that might make you feel better? What would it be? And so that's that, I mean, I think about, you know, anytime that, like I was talking with a friend that the friend that's offended you like, Is there another thought that might make you feel better?

Cher Kretz 41:43

Because Well, that's a very solution focused question. I don't know if you realize that, but me being of solution focus specialists. And this podcast is designed to help people be more solution focused, if you could, is a really important way to address a question, because then it makes them have to ponder, well, I wonder if I could, it's not so personal, it gives them time to kind of like, say if, and that's kind of a more powerful way of going that you have to do this. You know, it's not it's not a pushy thing. I like the way it's worded.

Nikki Hedstrom 42:18
And I like I said, it's okay, if it's a small increment of provement. It doesn't. I mean, I'd love for it to be a leaps and bounds step forward. But if it goes from, you know, she hates me to, well, maybe she's just mad at me, like even that has a different energy it does. So just getting them to think about when that might make me feel better, like well, maybe,
maybe her feelings are hurt. And that is I mean, I know it's hard, particularly this is more in the teenage years, but it's hard for them to get out of that scent, like sort of ego centric worlds out of me. Yes. And I was there, we've all been there. So I will admit that I'm trying to get them to to be able to take another perspective is also really great. So it depends on your age, like how I think that this can go in all sorts of places as an adult, obviously, it's, it can still be hard to do. But I think it's definitely possible. And it's easier for you to be like, right, okay, I can do something one other plausible reason that you know, that client hasn't called me back or my friend hasn't gotten back to me. And like I said, just if you can come up with one that isn't about you. And I haven't talked about this, but one of my favorite books is The Four Agreements. I don't know if you've read it, but it's, it's a great book. But one of the principles of The Four Agreements is, don't take anything personally. And I think that, like I was talking about all this needless suffering that we do so often, particularly when we try to predict what the future is or what somebody else is thinking, when we haven't asked them the question. We just put a lot of extra stuff in our minds that we don't need to because it's just not often not true. And so I love that don't take anything personally, because so often we do when somebody doesn't get back to us or something, you know, if we feel rejected in any sort of way, but it's so often not about us at all. And so I wanted to be able to introduce that that sense as well, just around that if you could choose another thought when that might make you feel better. What would it be that that is almost like a starting point to that not taking things personally.

Cher Kretz 44:13

Well, you're right on point with that, because when I can't count the number of children that I'm coaching or counseling and they say, Oh, it's because the teacher doesn't like me right? It's because they hate me. That's clearly the reason. And then you got to start there. And that's exactly what I do is similar to what you're saying is I begin to have them question that. What might be another reason, what might be some other reasons why that might be happening. And, but that's the way it feels to them. It's a very normal thing, they automatically go to Well, clearly I'm hated here. And so to help them be able to give another option to their own mind. That's the ultimate goal that they can give themselves that question like, well, do they though, you know, that kind of thing. That takes time. But it I can see, honestly, I really can. That's why I'm promoting this book with the counselors and coaches that I work with. Because I could picture this book in each and every classroom and every counseling offices, just a simple thing, you can pick it up and just boom, right there, do it. You could even have a child sit on, I could have him sit on my beanbag chair and read it before I even talked to them. And they might be in a better headspace than when they first came in. So I do appreciate you choosing to put all this together in the format that you did. That is simple, but yet profound. And I appreciate it a lot. So I'm hoping that many people hop over to your website and hop over on Amazon and grab themselves a copy. And your website again.

Nikki 45:50

wwwathoughtisathought.com

Cher 45:51

So easy. And then that's the same as your Instagram. Right?

Nikki 45:54

Right. You can find me on Facebook and Instagram as A thought Is a Thought. And I will just say one last thing from an adult perspective, I challenge the parents out there to take this week that when you have that moment of frustration to put this in, practice yourself. So you know whether the somebody at work is being a jerk, in your opinion, you know, try to take a moment to think like maybe if you've got something going on at home, my mom was always very adamant with me to say like, you never know what's happening for somebody else. And and you never know what's hot, like, why? Why they're grouchy today.

Cher 46:28 Especially in today's world.

Nikki 46:30

Yeah, I mean, right now, there's so many stresses for so many people. And I think if you can just, even if it's like I said, you don't have to be right. But if you can just say to yourself, like, oh, maybe they're having a really hard time with their marriage, that has a very different energy than like, they're just being a jerk.

Cher 46:46

Just think about our situation. But coming up on this very interview that we're having today. You know, I was running late, and you had no way of knowing the reason why, but you were super duper flexible. And then I just took a minute before I drove away from the office to say, yeah, a teacher came in to me, pretty much as i was packing up my computer. And she said, I'm having a real hard time with the fact that we're coming back. And she said, everyone around here seems to be so happy about coming back to school. And I'm not because I've had my aunt, my uncle and my grandmother die in the last month. They died from COVID. And she said, How can I, I haven't even grieved yet. And I'm coming back here and teaching kids and I can't I don't feel that same. That same excitement. And, and of course, as a school counselor, I was in that moment with her, of course, I was in that moment with her. And of course, it crossed my mind that I was going to be late to this interview. And, but you could have been the type of person and you know, I trusted that you weren't, but you could have been that type of person that was
like, you know, I've been waiting, and I'm ready. And I'm sitting here. And now why is she blowing me off? And you know, you can imagine all the negative thoughts.

Nikki 48:03
You know what I did, but that extra time? I put on, I made a playlist called A thought is a thought and it's like a bunch of feel good songs that I love it. And I put it on and I had a little dance party and sang a little bit. So it made no difference in my day.

Cher  48:20

That's because it's like, we can choose how to take those things. And then I'm sure that once you saw the reason you're like, well, Holy moly. Like, we don't even have to do this if you don't want to I'm I know I'm good. But see, those are the interactions, we need to have some compassion because we everyone has, ah, you know the things?

Nikki 48:38
It's not, it's really none of your business to like somebody might be having a horrible day. And they might not give you that explanation, they don't have to know. And so I think when you think about the choices that you have, you have the choice to be frustrated with them, and to not give them the benefit of the doubt. Or you can just expect that if they're that miserable or that grouchy, like there's probably something pretty big going on for them. And that you just have empathy that hopefully they'll get through it sooner than later because it can't be easy to be in their shoes. And so that's how I like to look at it. And I you know, try I try to be kind to the people that I interact with, you know, the grocery store clerks who I mean they're going through a lot right now imagine putting yourself at that kind of possible trouble, there's a lot going on. So I just think wherever you can try to be kind.

Cher  48:44

Yeah, and I think that's a great message to leave for the parents because there's no doubt though, our attitude towards things our kids are watching everything that we do. So when we give someone grace, they're more willing to give someone grace and guess what they're, we as parents need grace as well. So they're willing to give us grace. So it makes that positive circle that we want to happen, and really began to be a real thing.

Nikki 49:51
It sounds like it's giving grace to them, but you know what it's giving yourself because Yeah, what happens in your own body when you choose to choose the more like thoughtful, empathetic version is you feel better, right? Because it's hard being kind. And so I think, when you choose to let that like, or I'm so annoyed you're carrying that and you don't want to carry that with you. So I love the idea of just, I got a lot of creative solutions.

Nikki 50:24
Choices! Thoughts that you have, positive thoughts, you can choose. But yeah, I just think it's important to to know that there's always another way to look at it. And there's always a positive lens that you can take.

Cher 50:35

That's great. And I think that's exactly the message we need to hear today. So thank you, again. And please come back and visit us. I'm going to be in contact with you. Just letting you know how this book makes a difference in my personal practice.

Nikki 50:52
Yeah, that makes me so happy.

Cher 50.53

For sure. And you're all the way, where do you live again?

Nikki  50:57 

I'm in Vancouver, Canada

Cher 50:59
So you're up in Vancouver, Canada. I'm down here in Southern California. And we're just

gonna make a difference in our corners, right?

Nikki  51:07
That's right. Yeah. Yeah. Just keep doing doing the good work.

Cher 51:11

Yes. All right. And I'm going to put everything in the show notes. So if people didn't, you know, they can click it, they can get to you, and, and take advantage of not only this book itself, but all of the awesome free resources that you're offering. So that's amazing. Thank you so much.

Nikki 51:26
Thank you. Thank you for giving me the time to chat with you. I'm so excited.

Cher 51:30
Its been so fun. I'm so glad we finally get to know each other a little better, too.

Nikki Hedstrom 51:34

For sure. I don't think this is goodbye. I think this is Talk to you soon.

Cher Kretz 51:38
For sure. I might be calling you and being like, Okay, my youngest ones anxious. Give me

some new ideas! Yeah, thank you again.

Cher Kretz 51:51

I'm so thankful that Nikki came to join us and look in the show notes to find a link to where you can get A Thought Is a Thought and look it up and buy it because this is a new book on the market. And there's lots of books we've seen out there. But it's so great to support brand new authors as they're on their journey. And let's share this episode everywhere.

You can put it on Facebook, LinkedIn, you can send it an email, you just hit the share button, copy the link and send it out. And let's get the word out about this book and about how to deal with anxiety. Such an important topic and go to my website, www.thefocusedmindset.com if you want more solution focused support, to find out about my course Conversations That Empower and just to be able to be a part of our community. Thank you for joining us. I'm so glad you're here. I hope that you're able to go out and make today one of the very best days of your life. So I'm signing off. Until next time, keep in touch and take care.Don’t worry about sounding professional. Sound like you. There are over 1.5 billion websites out there, but your story is what’s going to separate this one from the rest. If you read the words back and don’t hear your own voice in your head, that’s a good sign you still have more work to do.

Be clear, be confident and don’t overthink it. The beauty of your story is that it’s going to continue to evolve and your site can evolve with it. Your goal should be to make it feel right for right now. Later will take care of itself. It always does.